As the title indicates I am very tired. There has been times in my life I have been sadder, there has been times I have been WAY more depressed, but I can’t remember a time I was more tired.
I’m not a victim and I don’t let negative energy take over my soul. I keep doing what I feel is right and everyday my hole keeps getting deeper. I’m okay with that because with every piece of dirt being removed my mountain keeps getting higher.
All I have ever REALLY wanted to do in my life is play sports. Sure I listen to music, and watch certain TV shows and movies, but that’s really just recharging my brain with ideas for writing.
I have this connection with certain movies. I think it is God’s way of communicating with me in certain junctures in my life. On Thursday I discovered a trailer for a movie called Away We Go. It spoke to me so loudly I have probably watched the clip over sixty times already.
The first sound in the trailer is the question ”Are we screw-ups?”
I can relate with this so well the only fitting word to describe the situation is scary.
I have ignored lucrative work opportunities, not drank a drop of alcohol in over two years and I can’t remember what month it was when another human being entered my apartment for a social visit, all in name of my dreams that keep putting up barrier after barrier after barrier. I keep helping person after person all in the name of karma and I can’t get one break when it comes to the only thing I REALLY want.
I have been blessed to be around hundreds of Paralympians over the last nine years. Some get how blessed they are and others take their blessings so for granted it makes me want to puke and cry at the same time. I would give every luxury I have for a real level playing field in one sport.
It looks like I am not going to get a break in the short run and I am as far from okay as I can be, but I’m staying put. I have no idea how I can possibly make it through another year of this, but I know I will. I am one tough nut, but the reason I am going to prosper is not I. It is the grace of God. I have been running on fumes since February and every single thing that kept me going is gone and did not happen.
999 out of 1000 people would leave and never look back.. I am the one who is staying. I am a screw up, I am sloppy and I am sad, but my faith cannot be matched.
I have already put in so much, why quit now? THE ODDS DON’T APPLY TO ME! I don’t look in the natural world. I look in the supernatural world of my minds eye. My dreams are coming and you can book it!
No matter what you are facing God provides in the long run. Don’t get too overwhelmed by the false constraint that the human mind creates. Time is an illusion.
I know it sounds weird and confusing, but joy is causing this. I just don’t want anything else a tenth as bad as this. I know I am one of the “freaks” of the sport I get that, but why I am always on the outside?
The only way I can rationalize it is to show how bad I really want it. I an a screw up who keeps squeak, squeak, squeaking. I’m lucky because I have everything I need, but what happens when you get nothing you want and the desire doesn’t go away or change.
I really don’t know. I’ve taken a departure, but that’s how shattered I feel.
Just in this moment I remember I determine my life. I’m gonna keep smiling even though I don’t know why.
God gave me a call from my buddy Robb and some stupid lowbrow television laughs that was enough to make it through the night and tomorrow, God will give me enough to make it through the day.
I sit here and wonder do people really understand how consistently I have wanted this or do they think its melodrama? Do people really realize how systematically I have been excluded or do they think I am a whiner?
I know I am telling the truth so He will be okay with me.
This Energizer Bunny is running out of juice and the 3 D world has nowhere to recharge that I can see. Somehow, someway I am going to make it up the mountain and anyone else can too!
I feel like I reached a new level of clueless screw-up, but I still have faith I am going to make it to the top.
Thanks for reading
Chris
1 comment:
I pray that the email I sent to you is going to recharge the energizer bunny. If I lived closer, I would be over in a NY minute to visit - know how much you are loved and know how much I understand what you are yearning for - and I know that God is helping you as I type to make it to that mountaintop and let us join hands and cry out - Alleluia the Lord is Risen - the Lord is Risen indeed!
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