The Premie Paradox

As the honesty train rolls through Downers Grove and out into the universe here is one more issue in my life that I can't figure out.  I call it the Premie Paradox.

I was born two months premature. This resulted in my lungs being underdeveloped which meant I could not breathe and resulted in cerebral palsy.  In a topic for another time cerebral palsy is a real gift that I would not change but that does not mean frustrations do not occur.

Since I was a premature baby I spent much of the first few weeks of my life in an incubator. Most might find this odd but it sticks with me until this day. Incubators are two things to me bright lights and plastic boxes closed off from the world.

For many years I had a fear of flying but it took professional help to realize what was really bothering me was the unfiltered sunlight up in the sky. Now all I need to do to enjoy a nice flight is to wear a pair of sunglasses or fly at night.

Growing up as a kid I believe I was fascinated and frightened by other people's touch  on a higher level than most. As I've learned to mellow out my startle reflex I have grown to highly enjoy  a handshake or a hug, but I often deny myself  because of my clunky muscle movements or muscle spasms. I try to do what is right but I worry about how my sloppy movements are interpreted unlike anything else in my life.  

Several years ago I remember a night when a friend was in town and we went out with people I knew.   My friend had never met any of the other people before.  He ended the night with great hugs while I was in self induced exile. I was envious but I wasn't sure what people understood and I never want to make excuses for my actions.

I wish I had more courage in this area.  I hope it will come now that I have been open on the topic.

Once again I have no solution but know you are not alone in your problems. We all have them and they have a better chance of being solved if you set them free.

I need to take some of my own advice and rock out on my frequency. I prefer to reach out and connect with someone because everybody on the planet is family. Some will embrace me while others will push me away. Those who push me away just aren't right for my choir. Which is great because they can go find another musical act that fits them better.

Thanks for the free therapy!

Chris